I am so sorry readers, this post is long overdue. Why? Perhaps because I have been very busy. Or perhaps because I have been avoiding having to think about it all. I still don’t know what to think about it all. I am not sure why relationships have to be so complicated. I have no idea where this post will lead, or where to begin. So I suppose I’ll begin with the weekend to the seaside…

This time two weeks ago, my man came into London for physio, and I met him afterwards so that we could travel back to his home together. We had dinner by the river in London, then popped on a late train at Waterloo where I slept whilst listening to his terrible music with his amazing headphones. Two and a half hours later and we’re stepping into his house … and his parents are already in bed. Phew! Off the hook for another day, and I was way too tired to be polite.

The next morning as I got out of the shower, my man told me he would meet me downstairs and left his room. Don’t panic. You are perfectly capable to walk downstairs and walk into a kitchen with him and his parents in. Oh God. What if they don’t like me? I take extra care to make sure I look natural and radiant as possible and walk… very… slowly… down… the… stars… take a deep breath … and step into the kitchen and SMILE. “Morning!” “Mum by the way, she’s vegetarian!” says my man. I had asked him not to tell his parents I was vegetarian in case they had prepared any meat for the weekend (which it turns out they had… his mum was going to cook lasagne). His parents were lovely, and it actually wasn’t very scary at all. Phew! His mum even went shopping secretly and filled the fridge with vegetarian food, but packed it into the back of the fridge to make it seem like it was always there!

Over the weekend, my man and I went to the beach, walked for hours, pub lunched, went out for curry (he paid), met some of his friends, chilled out, had brunch with his friends (again, he paid) and it was nice. Nice – it’s not the most passionate word in the dictionary. I wasn’t floating, and I no longer felt like Liesl from The Sound of Music. But it was nice. Was it bad that I had stopped dreaming? I like that floating, girly, giggly feeling? What had changed? Perhaps the illusion of it all. I was in his house, with his lovely parents, and he was just a normal guy. He’d had it hair cut. Is that shallow? It probably is. But I just hate short hair. And all of a sudden he went from manly athlete to almost little boy (well he is younger than me). But he was nice, and I fancied him.

However, throughout the weekend I noticed him going onto twitter and facebook in front of me and clicking onto the TV presenter’s posts, and his ex-girlfriend’s posts, and all the messages from girls on facebook. Was he trying to provoke me? It was quite obvious he liked me, so why was he doing this in front of me? I suppose because he wanted the power? Wanted me to react (again)? Wanted assuarance of my affection? I really don’t know why. But I am aloof. And I won’t play into his games. And it made me feel like he was untrustworthy. Made me feel like I needed to play a game and be wary of him. My guard is up. Can’t men take Rhianna more literally and realise that girls need to feel like they really are the only girl in the world. Not one of many. And if you play the game with me, I will play it harder. And I like feeling like Liesl, and if I have my guard up, then I am not floating. So your games might mean you just lose me in the process…

the seaside :-)

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