Despite feeling more secure with my man, I still felt that there had been no real commitment spoken of and “Seeing how it goes” doesn’t scream boyfriend material to me. Time to move on.

So when I was asked to take part in a speed dating event, I agreed.

I’ve never been speed dating before, but like online dating, it’s something I am extremely sceptical of. What kind of people go to the events? Does it reek desperation?

I suppose it’s a great thing. Because instead of going on a real date and having to spend a whole evening with someone who is just not your type, you get to spend a minute and a half with someone to decide if they are worth another date. But on the other hand, how the hell do you impress someone in a minute and a half? Well, I suppose you just can’t plan some things, and I’m good at conversation so let’s see what happens.

I turn up at the event, only I am not asked to speed date anyone. The cameras are rolling, and all the other girls are rotating around the guys. And I sit there. I see one of the guys constantly looking over towards me, and I don’t know why but there is something there. It’s definitely not love at first sight, but I am intrigued by the way he is starting at me. Intrigued by his orange azteca shirt (I like people who are bold enough to wear something unusual). The bell goes every minute and a half. And I sit alone watching the cameras roll. Watching the guy. Listening to the cringeworthy conversations. One girl was even telling him that she liked to pretend to be a cat and would drink cat milk when she was little – SERIOUSLY, you have a minute and a half to impress and this is what you come up with?

Finally, the producer asked if I would like to give it a go with THAT guy. The one I was staring at. Azteca guy. So I sit down. And we chat. And it’s easy. We discuss sport, and jokes, and animals and.. wait a minute, hasn’t this been longer than a minute and a half? About 10 minutes later, the producers come to tell me that Azteca guy has picked me and would I be keen for a first date (that would be filmed)?

When I was new to the dating scene, and unsure about the idea of going on a date with someone, my best friend once told me that a first date is like an interview. Like a job, it’s a chance for you to see if they are suitable for the role. Well what harm can come from an interview? So I agreed. So the first date happens, and it turns out only the beginning was on camera. So we go out. And we get on. We get drunk. And talk. And drink. And talk. And drink. And talk. And suddenly we’re kissing. And I want him. This intruiging azteca man. And we drink. And we kiss. And I am suddenly WAY too drunk and it’s 5am on Monday morning. So we take a taxi back to mine.

Just to clarify, I am not in the habit of taking men back to mine so soon. Nor am I in the habit of kissing on the first date. But it’s just so easy. And I’m so drunk. But I insist he sleeps on my sofa, and I go to bed.

Two days later and we meet again at an art gallery. And we kiss. *Oh dear, we kiss when we’re sober.* And we go for a walk through London – past Mayfair, Knightsbride, Kensington, to King’s Road. And we drink mulled wine. And we kiss. And suddenly we’re in Vingt-Quatre, a 24 hour food and drink place on Fulham Road. And we discuss politics (it’s the night of Obama’s election victory), and divorce, and religion. And we kiss. And suddenly I realise it’s 6am and I have work at 10am. So I go home to bed, despite his pleas to come back to mine, he goes back home. I am a lady afterall. And tired.

And we meet again on Thursday night, and we get drunk. And we go out. And I’m drunk. And we go back to his friend’s house. And next thing I know, his friends have gone to bed and we’re making out on his friend’s sofa. What am I doing? I like him so much but I will not have sex with him. Not drunk. Not like this. So I pass out.

The next night I meet his friend. And we act like we’ve been together forever. I might actually fall for Azteca guy.

And then all of a sudden he goes a bit quiet. But we see each other for filming. Is he seeing me because he has to or because he wants to? Should I act off? What if he’s using me for the storyline?

And there we go. It’s back to me being crazy. Overthinking things. Acting awkward. Waiting for him to make the effort, and him not making the effort.

And then we film our last scene. And it’s awkward. I ask him what’s wrong, and he says nothing. Is it really nothing, or is he saying nothing because it’s on camera? Straight after filming he says he needs to go, and I’m left there feeling confused.

So I decide to call him. He doesn’t answer. And I text him saying ‘Are you sure everything is ok? You seemed off. It would be nice to see you off camera if you’re free later?” To which he replies saying he was just tired, and was free later this evening.

And evening comes and I’ve heard nothing. It’s 8pm. So I text him “let’s get drunk”. And he says… nothing. He doesn’t reply. Not that night. Or the next day. Or the next day.

And finally a week later, he apologises for being distant, claiming the producers asked him not to contact me. Saying that he “really really liked me” but had realised I wasn’t right for him, but that we wanted to be my friend or business partner.

What?

I feel sick. What had happened? Have I been used?

I didn’t want this. I was happy with my man. And now I feel empty. Why do I feel heart broken?

What do I want? Why am I so complicated? And so heartbroken.

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