Archives for category: My Type

Having made it so far to page 42 in the Complete Book of Rules, I already have a few issues I would like to discuss.

Beauty and Men

Don’t leave the house without wearing make up. Put lipstick on when you go jogging. Do everything you possibly can to put your best face forward. If you have a bad nose, get a nose job…

I like to look good, of course I do. What girl doesn’t? Yes, I agree that eating well, doing exercise, staying up to date with your waxing, having pedicures, and all those things, make me feel good about myself. And feeling good results in feeling confident and attractive; qualities that are attractive to men. But wearing lipstick to go running? Seriously?! I believe in natural beauty, and I wouldn’t want to wear make up just to chill and watch movies with a man. I have a friend who is stunning, a model actually, and her ex boyfriend used to tell her to wear make up. What a douchebag! I’m sorry, but if Mr Right is a man that can only accept a woman that always looks immaculate, then I’d rather pass.

Talking to Men

Don’t tell sarcastic jokes… Be quiet and mysterious, act ladylike, cross your legs and smile. Don’t talk too much… You might argue that this will suppress your intelligence or vivacious personality. You may feel that you won’t be able to be yourself, but men will love it!

Excuse me? So for a man to fall in love with me, I have to make myself up like a doll, have cosmetic surgery to remove any physical flaws, smile and nod like an airhead, and not be myself? Are we so desperate to get married that we are prepared to completely suppress our personalities? Isn’t being funny a great quality? Lots of girls are attractive (in a made-up way) and have nothing to say for themselves, and I certainly don’t envy the type of men they are with.

Don’t talk to a man first, and let him pay

If a man doesn’t bother to walk across the room to seek you out … Then he’s obviously not interested… Equality [is] fine in the workplace, but not in the romantic playing field. Love is easy when the man pursues the woman and pays for the woman most of the time.

The Rule states you can NEVER talk to a man first. Even if you see someone you like but he doesn’t see you, it’s better to go home knowing you didn’t break the rules because “he never got the chance to pursue you and this fact will always permeate the relationship even if he does ask you out”. I’m sorry, but even if you do go up and talk to the guy first, he can still be left wanting more, providing you don’t sleep with him straight away or act desperate. Don’t men like women with confidence? Look at Katy Perry & Russell Brand. Russell Brand, a famous lothario and notoriously impossible to tie-down… Until he met and fell for Katy Perry. How did they first start talking? SHE threw a bottle at his head, claiming, “you’ve met you’re match motherf**ker!”. Boom. Love at first sight. There’s a girl that stands out from the crowd, and doesn’t act like every other girl. A girl that acts herself. Dyes her hair blue. Has a huge personality. And doesn’t just sit and smile and look pretty. … Or is that why their relationship ended in divorce? Unlikely.

Be Unattainable

I’m not completely cynical, dear readers. I’m an open-minded person. And I have decided to implement a rule into my life. Being Unattainable.

Being an attractive female (again, please don’t read that statement as arrogance), I have always been aware that men (and women) like to class pretty girls, especially pretty blonde girls, as boring, shallow, bitchy, or superficial…or all of the above. I’ve always fought that stereotype. And I won’t pretend to be precious and prissy, because I’m not. So I’ll never wear lipstick to go on a run. Or wear make up to bed just because a man is there. Or get liposuction because I hate my thighs (I do hate my thighs). Or smile and nod when I actually want to be sarcastic and witty.
I don’t want men (or women) to be intimated of me. Because I’m nice. And a lot of men won’t come up to me first, because I am intimidating. I know that because I’ve been told it many times before. Plus it’s usually only the really cocky men that do approach me; and cocky men do not treat girls well.

However, in my desperation to prove that I’m not arrogant, boring, shallow, unapproachable, or intimidating; I have made myself too available. I’d even say that I’ve come across as desperate, even when I am not certain about the man in question, and even when I believe that HE is lucky to have me.

I put in too much effort. And I talk too much. And I make too many excuses for bad behaviour. And looking back, a lot of average men I’ve dated have ended it with ME.

And this should stop. It’s emotionally draining. And it’s now so obvious how to put an end to it happening. By adopting these rules I will achieve an unattainable status

Be positive. Look for the good in everything. … Early dating is not the time to tell him about your job problems. … Don’t tell long winded stories of all the people who have hurt you or let you down … Act as if you were born happy.

There will be moments on a date when neither of you has anything to say. Don’t feel the need to fill in the silences. You’ll end up saying something forced or stupid. … If anything men should be the ones wondering whether or not they’re keeping you interested.

Men like a challenge – that’s why they play sports, fight wars and raid corporations. The worst thing you can do is make it easy for them.

Not calling him will leave him desiring you more, make him want to see you again and call you again. It prevents him from getting to know all about you too quickly and getting bored. … It’s good for him to wonder about you.

And it’s true. Men need to think you’re unattainable. Men need to believe they are lucky to have you. Men need to believe you are busy, so that they have to work for a place in your life. And they can only believe that if you make it difficult for them. And don’t always get in touch first. And don’t over-talk. And don’t show insecurities when it comes to dating. If they don’t hear from you, they should be worried that you have lost interest… so they will get in touch.

So, where does that leave me with my man? I will no longer suggest meeting him, nor will I be the first to initiate contact. Because I’ve shown him I’m nice. I’ve shown him I’m not intimidating. And now I need to make him know that I AM hard to get. And he DOES have to make an effort to impress me and keep me interested.

So I haven’t contacted him since Thursday, and already he has contacted me to let me know he liked my outfit (I dressed up as Amy Winehouse last night, and put the photo on Facebook … So he’s stalking me!). And I haven’t replied. Because I want him to appreciate who is in front of him.

And who is in front of him? Not some precious, heavily made-up, smile-and-nodding air head. But a confident, funny (sometimes, and usually at me), natural, slightly dorky, nice girl, who likes him, and who gets on with him. And that’s me, and I’m not going to (and shouldn’t have to) change any of those qualities to end up with a shallow, chauvenistic Mr Wrong.

And ultimately, I would rather be totally myself and be aloneinlondon than be with someone I can’t be myself around. I want my flaws to be seen as loveable elements that make me me, not disgusting features that make me imperfect. And if I end up by myself until I find the right person, then breaking a few rules is more than ok for me.

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Being at the start of a new relationship (and I mean relationship in a very loose sense of the word, as obviously there has been no talk of commitment yet), I am rather aware of ‘the game’. He lives 2 hours away from me, so I have to depend on my phone to keep in touch with him. But do I get in touch with him? Or do I wait for him to get in touch with me? Should I call him, or is that too keen?

We have grown up being told that we should play hard to get to capture a man’s attention. Men like challenges, so we should be aloof. But I like challenges too. And if we both play it cool, then neither of us will get in touch. And don’t men like confident girls? And if I want to speak to someone, shouldn’t I just be able to do it without worrying if he’ll still like me because I initiated contact? Do I really want to be with someone anyway if I can’t act myself?

And then we get down to the actual text messaging. Do I reply if he doesn’t ask questions? How can I be funny on a text message? Will he pick up on my sarcastic tone or think I’m being serious? Has he not put kisses on the end because he doesn’t like me, or simply because he doesn’t put kisses on texts?

Something very simple has suddenly become something very complicated. And what is acceptable?

I have lots of girlfriends who treat men badly. Like shit actually. And the result is that they have men falling at their feet. Literally. But does a woman have to be a bitch in order for a guy to like her? I know these girls, and I know that deep down they like the guy, but they aren’t comfortable with showing their emotions, and isn’t that because of pride and the fear of getting hurt?
And what about these obsessed men? Do they truly like the girl for who she is? Or do they just like her because they can’t have her? And isn’t all of this a huge effort to be with someone? Because surely you should be with someone that likes you for who you are, someone who makes you feel comfortable for being you, and who makes your life that little bit more exciting. Or is that just my romantically charged mind idealising relationships?

And I’m really not very good at playing games. Because if someone does something that annoys me, I react. And if someone arranges to meet me and doesn’t, I react. And if I text someone and they don’t reply, I react (in a jokey way and I wait at least a day, I’m not that crazy). And that’s how I treat my friends, so why should a man be any different? However, by reacting, I probably have given the impression that I’m crazy. But why should I tolerate someone treating me badly or making me feel inadequate? Because I want someone to appreciate me, and to realise what they have, and I shouldn’t have to compromise… Or should I? Because thinking about it, I HAVE scared a few guys away, or I’ve lost patience with them and ended it even though I still liked them.

And because I like my new man, and because I want him to like me, I’ve been thinking a lot about ‘the game’ and how I should play things. And I’ve been wondering whether I should wait for him to text me (we’ve all seen the film He’s just not that into you, and if he likes you he will get in touch, right?), or do I just text him (he’s probably trying to play it cool too, and we live in different cities so I don’t want things to fizzle out just because we were both trying to play it cool). And so far, I’m going with the just do what you feel frame of mind. It was ME to suggest he came from the airport to mine, ME to send the message to clear the air after the whole TV presenter fiasco, and ME to invite myself to the seaside. But i don’t mind driving it, because I’m confident, and I can tell that HE likes me. Or does he? Am I just making it too easy? Maybe I should start to reverse the power now.

So I’ve bought a book (I was directed towards the Self-Help section in Waterstones – how demoralising!). It’s called the Complete Book of Rules. Apparently is tells you time-tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr Right. And what’s more, it’s a multi-million copy bestseller, so apparently I’m not the only girl on the planet to be questioning this.
But why should we have to use games to impress Mr Right? Surely playing games and not being ourselves means we capture the heart of Mr Not-Right?
But I’m going to read it. And I’m going to try it. And you can be certain that I’ll share my discoveries and report my experiences with you, dear readers.

Watch this space!

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In my new found enthusiasm to take me and my heart on an expedition into the uncertain land of the male species, I decided to join some dating sites today. That’s a good way to find the perfect man, right? We’re in the twenty-first century, so it’s a perfectly acceptable way for busy London professionals to meet their soul mates…right? I mean, come on, there were 8,174,100 people in London in 2011 alone! That number can only have increased in the past year, and, let’s be honest, I only have a few hours in the evening and the weekends to get searching. That may sound like a lot of time, but once you subtract essential girl-time, me-time, and extra-curricular free-time, that does not leave a whole lot of hours to narrow my search down from 8,174,100 to 1. And since I am constantly being bombarded with adverts assuring me that “more couples get married on match.com than any other dating site“, I naturally decided it was a pretty good place to start.

I don’t know if you’ve ever joined a dating site, but it’s not as easy as it looks, trust me. There is one crucial part of the application form, and that is … describing your ideal man. They try to make it easier for you by offering tick boxes. But this is equally as stressful! What if my dream man turns out to be ‘heavier build‘ and I never meet him because I only ticked the ‘athletic build‘ box. To make it worse, there’s a little note in the top right of my screen reminding me that the more specific information I offer about ‘my type’, the more chance I have of finding my perfect man. No pressure then!

So all this got me thinking about what it is I am really looking for. Are we really so shallow that our dream man can be discovered by his aesthetic qualities? Is it just the romantic ideallist in me, or can’t the perfect man just be anyone that makes you laugh and sweep you off your feet? But then the question is, what is it that makes me laugh, and what is it that would force my feet to leave the ground?

The more I think about it, the smaller it makes me feel in this huge city of men. Can it really be possible to describe a man you have never met? And what if you can describe your man? You can describe him so well, in fact, that you shut your eyes to all the other wonderful men that pass you by because they aren’t tall enough, or rich enough, or multilingual enough. Will that mean you are a bitter and lonely 50 year old still blogging about being alone in London? It’s a scary thought.

And then I joined a dating site called Whatsyourprice.com. This is a website where beautiful women sign up and receive offers to go on dates with men. Cash offers. Men will pay you money to take you on a date, and there really is no catch or sex obligation at the end of it. Sounds ideal right? Right…? That was until I began to receive offers. It was the offer of £140 (really, I’m not joking) that it made me think that this is the kind of man that I really DON’T want to meet. Flashy men. Men that have nothing to offer but stone cold cash. The kind of men that London is full of. Men that want you to sit at their table in a Mayfair club. Men that think dinner at Nobu, or a glass of champagne in Mahiki is enough to get into your pants, and probably your chest as well (your heart, I mean, not your breasts, although I am sure the latter is much more appealling to them).

So then I thought, maybe I can find out what I do want, by ruling out what I don’t want. And what better way to work this out than by looking at some of the men that have been in my life since Jules… And I did promise you some ex-lover information! I respect the privacy of these men much more than THE ex, so I shall merely number them, I am sorry to be so untrusting of you dear readers.

1. Profession: Rugby Player (professional). Height: 6’8. Build: BIG (read that however you will, but I’m far to classy to confirm, darrrling). The V (which you will of course know from my first post to mean ‘The High): Seeing Adele live in a small Concert. The N (the Low, not that I am insulting your intelligence!): Finding out his ex girlfriend was a famous actress. Ended: Because I was still in love with THE ex.

2. Profession: Law (student). Height: 6’1. Build: (m)anorexic. The V: First Date at Winterwonderland and he bought me Jack Wills hat, scarf, & gloves as a surprise to go iceskating. The N: No girl wants to eat more than her man. Ended: Because I wasn’t comfortable with being his Jewish Princess, although the designer gifts were great, it just wasn’t me.

3. Profession: Manager of a rather well known American clothing company famous for its shirtless models *cough cough*. Height: 6’5. Build: Muscular. The V: The sex (ok, maybe not so classy, but I’m not going into details). The N: Not having a great deal to talk about. Ended: Because hearing ‘I really need to go to the gym more’ (despite going daily) not only becomes tedious, but doesn’t do wonders for your own self-esteem.

4. Profession: Olympian Athlete (I know, I’m still impressed too). Height: 6’5. Build: Athletic (I know!). The V: Having a crazy beautiful holiday romance. The N: Him kissing and texting nearly every other female that showed interest. Ended: Because he was texting a TV Presenter from my bed, and I’m not good at ‘letting things go’ or ‘acting cool’ in certain situations.

And unfortunately that brings us to the end of my number sequence (for now). What does that tell me about my pattern of men, and therefore my type? Perhaps that I have a poor judge of character. Certainly, that I like tall men (that’s one box I can confidently tick!). But all these affairs were wonderful and awful in their own way, and the men are completely uncomparible. And most importantly, they clearly weren’t The One. So dear readers, I suppose what I can decipher from looking back into my romantic closet is that I really don’t have a specific type (do I?), and it really isn’t as simple as ticking (or not ticking) a box. And that’s ok. Ticking lots of different boxes does not mean I am desperate. In fact it means quite the opposite. It would be much more desperate to stay with someone because they tick the boxes despite the fact you do not feel it in your heart of hearts. What I know is that it is great to date different people. And it is also great to end it with wonderful people. Because wonderful people don’t always mean they are perfect, for you.

So I suppose this doesn’t get me any closer to knowing anything about the type of man I’m looking for, so my adventure is no nearer completion now to when I joined match.com. But I am sure as hell open-minded to meeting some different men along the way, although I’m fairly convinced I won’t be meeting them online!